| i swear |
[14th November, 2009
Saturday, 6:48pm] |
that i think about more than just funk and studies. they're also just excellent ways of distracting myself from other things.
as for other things that've been in my life, well. i usually spill to someone online, or just think about it as i walk. but i've been getting bigger periods of.. moodiness lately. or just thinkey-ness. or beingalone-ness. but i don't wanna describe it, though i juts wanna put two things down:
- you join both worlds, and end up belonging in neither. .. except maybe in that group of people who also know both worlds.
- strings, stringed. holding me back.
- it's their silent assumption that i am still the same person that does it. it comes through in their behavior, and i get surprised, and i'm like.. oh but. but. shh. just don't say it. and then its 10 steps forward 5 steps back.
- un.. released? on one end -- it's more than just introspective think-ey life-ey silly internal-based emotional. it's also Crazy, Tangier, and most importantly, more.. Solidified. but they treat me still as liquid, and it feels strange.
and then, on the other end, it's more than just silly, fun, bubbly, nice, dancey with pepper and spice. it's also emotional, feeling, and wanting to have a voice and have respect and have a STAND more than you think i do. i wanna speak. but i'm all asian value-ed.
- life throws me nothing, then suddenly throws ten balls my way, but cuz it's fast and it's ten (and cuz of one other reason) i can't catch all of them, so now i juts stand and watch them go past me. and then i come home and i'm like .. okay. the feeling you get when ten things just went pastyou but you never really caught a single one. okay.
- and it's still that one string in particular that's making this troublesome.
this is meant to be slightly, but not totally enigmatic. oh well. just records of a state of being, for future retrospective purposes.
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[11th November, 2009
Wednesday, 9:46pm] |
i have a path! maybe a path! like. i sorta know how to figure it out maybe, or fit it all together, and head in a direction. cuz all i've been doing before is running around one spot with no idea where i wanna go to next. but now i have a rough direction, a goal, an ending point that my internal compass can start to point at, a goal to guide my current decisions. AHH phew. i'm not gonna be left in the lurch, left behind as everyone soars forward to try to achieve things they wanna do.
i'm not gonna say what it is, i'm juts gona have it in mind and quietly work towards it. but ah at least. a general direction. even if it changes, it's a general direction. ahh phew. phew phew.
okay. so majors wise, i'll double in Philosophy Politics & Economics (concentration in Choice & Behavoi) and Psychology, and minor in something else. and j'obtenirai aussi mon certificat de competence en francais. ...or.. if i'm crazy enough, slash if i can fit it all in, i can even do a TRIPLE major (:|) but i really don't know if that's necessary. dual degree... it's back there floating in my head still but until it lurches (there's that word again) forward it's just floating at the back.
next semester: mktg 101 - intro to marketing,
ppe 203 / psyc 165 - behavioral economics & psychology
ppe 008 - the social contract
econ 036 - law and economics
psyc 170 - social psychology?
and maybe..
fren211 - french for professions?
psyc153 - judgments and decisions?
( more ranting about classes )
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| i can't resist |
[10th November, 2009
Tuesday, 12:56am] |
the first one was just SO fun and the second is just SOOOO f-ing sickkkkk (@$284
and <3
and for myself, my first step :) 1:47 onwards = my little baby
and there are SOOOOOO many more awesome, awesome shit in the show but i can't paste them all here (and they're not all uploaded anw) but holy 9@U$)(AHSR9 ABH!OI#!!!!!
yeah funkk
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| funk |
[9th November, 2009
Monday, 12:42am] |
the best things about being in funk -
1. it's the POWERR. the power of art/dance over people. we Embody it so much! like when i watch the videos and people ROAR and applause for things they see i'm like -- WTF why are they screaming so loudly for tht shit! whoa they are so ROUSED by juts these set of movement. by juts a dance group. and that support is juts SO important because otherwise what would all these shows - held so often, semester after semester be for?
and it's amazing the amount of support we get on campus. that kind of presence we have, cuz most people know what Funk is, and people COME to our show even when they don't know anyone in the group. and then i met someone after the friday show who told me that it was her first funk show, but she was totally converted and was gonna come to every one after. @)$(*@
our saturday tickets sold out by tuesday, and after friday went on to sell out, we had people lining up in the cold at 2pm on friday praying so harrd they can get reserve tickets that are available. and then we run out and get to turn them away and tell them to come to the door. AND THEY COME. like a LINE forms again outside IGT where people just hope to come see the show. )@(*$)(@* KABOOOMMM how often do you find a gropu like that??
2. the crazy alumni. omg i remember going on stage for the first time ever last sem, and all the older funkers were telling us it was gonna be crazy, but i had nooo idea until we went on stage for that first moment and i was like HOLAY OSDMOUATH WTHF)@$*)( cuz there was basicaly a whole line of drunken, old, LOUD, ROARING alum funkers YELLING and SCREAMING away holycrap. and you're like OMG WHY ARE THEY ROARING AT ME and you hit everything like a GABILLION times as hard. and you run off stage and you're like HOLY SHIT i never hit that that hard before and i'm SO f-ing out of breath!
and omg when we do the funk clump, yesterday when we started i juts started beaming cuz I knew the alum was gonna go crazy. but it felt SO awesome when we were doing it and right there int eh first row ALL of these crazy peope juts started doing it too and throwing their love at us. )!($)(@U AHH!
3. the routines, the rituals, the history. the alum comes into this too of course, but then there's also the 7pm mark when the alumni starts coming down to say hi. there's the infamous funk initiation, the Strictly name (i've been officially named Strictly Origami cuz of my ability to "fold myself over" lol), the funk 'branding' with a marker before every show, the videos, the funky bios, the secret buddies, the "urban-funky" outfits, the funk wall, the funk clump. and of course my favorites, the tribal cheers we do right before getting on stage. and the audience hears us, and we're there just hyping ourselves up audibly before tearing up the stage. there's the cheer, or what feels more ike a Death Threat, that we do before (when i say strictly you say funk!). there's the funk circle and the indiv freestyles at the end of the show. the alumni running on stage with us to do our standard bows. the fistfistclap+blackout at the end of everyshow. ughh. routines, rituals. i guess they make you fee ike you're part of something bigger, more eternal than you are.
4. the friends and company. this is gonna be a point that will be elaborated on even more in future, but i juts feel SO much more comfortable with them now. i might end of one of those rare singaporeans actually with closer american/non-sg friends. but it's like fking FAMILY with some of these people. i mean hell week was 7 hours a day stuck in the same theatre with the same people, how do you not end up with that sense of familiarity?
5. the dancers. the dances. FKING TALENTED PEOPLE. now i must say that, if you watch the videos, not everyone's gonna be great, not every dance is gonna be wonderful. but most of the time they ARE, or they juts have a special, funky, spunky, super-creative something in it that makes you go Wow a little. and juts dancing with them and feeling the way they feel beats i've improved soo much. and i find myself constantly challenged and running ahead. it's not just "oh how do i choreograph" this but "how do i make this SICK how do i attack it in a werid, different way that would work" in this sorta hyper-creative setting
i also uncovered these articles on funk from like 12 years ago when the gropu first started, and it just re-emphasizes the CONCEPT of a funk show. it's not just dance, not just a recital. it's supposed to be super creative, unconventional, always challenges the boundaries. it's a theatrical experience, with video, AWESOME lights, acting, and dancing on a continuous soudntrack. it has themes, it discusses issues, it does crazy things that provoke you -- (like the sex on stage lol and a lot more). it's SO MUCH. the EXPERIENCE itself is ughh. not just the dnacing, but everything else put together. "a Strictly Funk production is not just a performance; it's an experience"
but dance wise the group is just special in other ways too. if you go to youtube and search for college dance videos, i'm sure there are others that may look better there. but.. somehow the funk exp is a litte different. it's the STYLISTIC approach. and we're a very Performance-based group. we have a little theatre where every member of the audience can see our faces, and it's so much about juts Performing and embodying the funk 'edge'. i mean imo, even juts comparing videos taken from afar, and videos that are more close up, funk looks a lot better close up. it's juts the WHOLE packagee 0(@*$)@(*$
it's not just hiphop, it's not just jazz. so often it's that weird in between, or an extreme, or a strange thing you can't even really decribe. what is it? funk? jazz funk? hiphop? gah it's pushing me and pushing me. and i love ittttttttt i love it so much 0(*)@(*$
i gush i gush i gush. it seems so narrow some how that i'm juts OBSESSED with this group, but for now within this sphere there's just SO MUCH to be taken out of it. and maybe also it's not as narrow as it sounds. i'm not just.. totally INTO this dance group, but also this social setting, this group of people of different cultures, this theatrical group, this creative experience, this competitive setting, this social exploration, this artistic exploration, this artistic, personal and social growth.
bahh)@($*)@($* this show was so fking awesome it blows my mind. i would copy and paste my favorites, but fuck. everything has at least one "something special' going for it.
mmm.
begin with tribal sounds. and then..
This is serious! We're gonna make you Funk with us. We've got a badass attitude cuz Strictly Funk is in the mood. x2
When i say Strictly you say FUNK! (Director:) Strictly - (Us:) FUNK! (Director:) Strictly - (Us:) FUNK! x2
and the line on our web:
"We rise for the Funk. They cry for the Funk. Get Wild for the Funk. We'd die for the Funk."
i'll be over it, i know, when i'm older, and less energetic, and have moved onto more mature things. but for now i am fortunate, i am living, i feel so alive. and to be young is to be in it, and i'll juts be in it now, in whatever i've been given, to make the most out of it, before i even think about moving on
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| just.. randomness |
[25th October, 2009
Sunday, 12:14am] |
see this is what busyness does to your mind. i stop thinking and introspecting. i stop missing things and people. i do but i don't have to. i get caught up. i also like being busy. but just. you know. thoughts.
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| correctionnn |
[25th October, 2009
Sunday, 12:08am] |
this semester i'm
- tutting
- stepping
- RIBBON DANCING. (!)
- being a gothic chick
- being a 5 year old
and
- being an american teen at summer cam
all in one show
and all in addition to some hard hitting hiphop of course. life's good.
i'm actually happy to do the ribbon dancing though lol. a burst of nostalgia from my chinese dance days. chinese dance which uh, i really doubt i can do as well now, but which still gave me some really cool technical stuff that i can do and make people go wtf at. (although then i'm bad at all the other technical stuff. like pirouettes. fml pirouettes.)
i'm improving a lot and it feels goood
edit.
let me add to that.
now i'm also being
- lesbian, and
- something that will be censored for this.
this is an amazing show.
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| wow |
[23rd October, 2009
Friday, 12:40am] |
so i had a crazy day today.
2pm: quiz
4pm: midterm
6pm: midterm
8pm: missed pennyo practice
8.45pm: transition rehearsal (don't remember choreo)
9.15pm: pennyo (don't remember songs. how to perform on sat?)
10.15pm: transition rehearsal (don't remember choreo)
11pm: rush french hw due at midnight
1am: now, blogging, and need to do some history readings for tomorrow's recitation.
this weekend:
1. CHOREOGRAPH for my transition
2. filming 3.30pm saturday, joe 4.30pm saturday, pennyo perf 6pm saturday, victor/stephen 7.30pm saturday, mine 1pm sunday, group 7pm sunday
3. PRACTICE anh's allie's joe's elena's for sunday, also go through nabz/dacone/stephen's transitions.
4. catch up on accounting stuff (skipped one lecture)
5. catch on history readings (way behind)
6. FRENCH ORAL EXAM ON MONDAY
7. french dossier stuff + other french hw
8. HISTORY BK REVIEW
and i'm gonna ignore bpub and psych cuz i just took their exams.
okay that's not that bad right? not that bad. but having 2 midterms and a quiz in a day and running back and forht between practices is insane. i'm kinda worried cuz i'm having trouble remembering choreo, but mostly cuz i've only been thinking about my midterms and haven't had time to practice them.
ohh well.
sorry i dump this kinda pointless shit here. my blog doubles as my school-life-organizer.
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[14th October, 2009
Wednesday, 3:50am] |
so like, i spend a fair amoutn of time online shopping, usually at forever21 cuz the stuff's so cheap, and now i have this collection of stuff in my wardrobe that i LIKE.
I Like My Wardrobe.
woooooow! i get excited about nice dresses. nais.
$$$$ i need to get rich in future.
in other news, i think i need to leave somethings behind. yeah. i think so.
stop being so -something-
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| to watch |
[9th October, 2009
Friday, 1:07am] |
1. 500 days of summer
2. fame
3. l'auberge espagnole
4. paris
5. nick and norah's infinite playlist
6. up in the air?
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| hahah |
[24th September, 2009
Thursday, 12:02am] |
so now i think i'm not gonna try to dual.
my life is so much more fulfilling... when i don't try to halfass my learning everywhere. and with the singing and dancing i feel so much more CAPABLE than when i just have the paper qualifications.
i was trying to do 6 classes, dance 5x a week, sing 2x a week.
technically the dancing will go down by the end so i can do everything but.. shitttttt i dunno
technically also if i do this now (i.e. drop one class, which disables me from being able to apply for the dual this sem), i'll keep accounting & bpub, and if at the end i decide i like it and i wannad o it, i can still apply at the end of sophomore year.
fuck i hope i dont regret this???
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| I'M SO HAPPYYYYYYYYY |
[16th September, 2009
Wednesday, 5:59pm] |
omg Funk reauditions were AMAZINGGGGGGGg. AHHHH for once after an audition i can say that i nailed it! that i did my best! they lovedloved the solo i'm not gonna type out what they said but i juts wannw say IMMM FKKKKING HAPPPPYYYYYYY. FKING FKING HAPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!
HAPPY VIBES!!! HAPPY VIBES!!!!!
and i did that.. trained leg catching thing of mine hahahha THEY WERE SO HAPPY HAHAHAHA I was like WEEE HAHAHAHHA yeah little hidden talent HAHAHAHA HI!!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
IM SO HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
HEEEEEEEEE TODAY IS A GOOD DAYYYYYYYY WEEEEEEEEE I FOUDN MY ONE TRUE LOVE HAHAHAHAH.
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| classes. |
[10th September, 2009
Thursday, 9:22pm] |
this is so that i can .. look at what i've done and.. SHAPE my education.
What i've done / am doing (underlined):
HIST011 - World History
HIST126 - Europe 1789-1890 / ??? - Alternative?
PSCI150 - International Relations: In Theory & Practice
LGST226 - Markets, Morality and Capitalism
STAT101 - Intro to Business Statistics
MATH104 - Calculus I / MATH114 - Calculus II?
ACCT101 - Principles of Accounting
BPUB250 - Managerial Economics / MKTG101 - Introduction to Marketing / ECON101 - ???
FREN110 - Elementary French I
FREN120 - Elementary French II
FREN134 - Intermediate French (Intensive)
FREN202 - Advanced French
PSYC001 - Intro to Experimental Psychology
MUSC070 - Music Theory I
ASTR001 - Survey of the Universe
gahh this is the most problematic semester so far. i need to:
1. get my permit for bpub250, drop mktg and go for bpub. otherwise in the meanwhile i don't know whether i should go for mktg classes or not.
2. see my results for math104 placement, if i don't place it i need to take 104, or maybe 114 but that has 104 as a pre-requisite??
3. think about whether i wanna do HIST126 (see if the prof teaches another class, see how it fits into the big picture)
4. think about whether i wanna do FREN202 or FREN212 (more grammar but less.. lit/hist stuff. but seems easier!)
gahgahgahgahgah. and oh.
5. BUY TEXTBOOKS!!!! ..once i've decided on my classes =.=
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| look at the blog entries becoming more frequent! |
[9th September, 2009
Wednesday, 6:44pm] |
i just needed to.. share this. these.
1. I STILL REALLY LIKE HAVING ROOMIESSSS i feel so much more sociable. otherwise i'm such a loner. well.. i still am. cuz i still eat lunch alone and i kinda like eating lunch alone but then i don't. but yeah.
i like having roomies =) having ppl to talk to when i come back. and having guests over all the time! cuz right now i'm rooming with a malaysian, a japanese and a chinese (LOL) and then the thais downstairs come up really often, and we also have another group of singaporeans downstairs living with a taiwanese american girl.
yeah i know. very asian.
BUT here comes #2!
2. it's so much easier to get along with americans now omg. honestly i think the thing that made a differnce was that i'm juts a lot more confident of myself now within these social.. fields. like you know the ropes better within this social game. you know how to small talk, how to interact, how to be miss bubbly, and of course how to speak in an accent that is understandable to them.
the few things today that made me realize i was really succeeding at integrating was:
- small talking wih this dance snr i used to be really awkward around (super tiny thing but well. yea. we live in the same building now)
- managing to speak to this JOCK in my french class. swim team dude. well he was a freshie so i guess i was a lot LESS intimidated lol and it was easy.
- having this other girl in my french class tell me i really REALLY reminded her of this girl in her pledge class. O.O . apparently we look alike and sound alike. so OMG i sound like an asian american girl in a sorority?!?!? WTFFFFFFFF.
but well. it's juts about succeeding at building facades. which realy i only am able to do when i have a strong enough INTERIOR. so i'm fine with it haha.
3. i feel a lot better now than when i first came. i was really homesick, cuz of all the ties and connections home, and i still AM homesick. but i guess a large part of me feeling bad came about also cuz i thought that over here -- iw as in a land of IDONTKNOWPEOPLE. a land of EVERYWHEREIGOIAMALONE. which really WAS true last year. cuz of how busy i was. i think i ate 80%-90% of my meals alone hahah that says a lot. it's realy sad isn't it =.= missbusy and miss idoeverything.
anyway today was the first day of classes, and all that happened was just.. WALKING aroudn campus. wow i said hi to so many peopl ei was like.. wait. i know so many people meh? funk people, people in my prev classes, singaporeans, more asians.. i don't know A LOT compared to other people, but the ability to walk around randomly and say hi to people suggests a sense of community. which.. i always thought wouldn't really exist in uni. but hey. actaually it DOES. in penn at least. good thing about campus life i guess.
i hope to be less lonely this year than last year, and i think it's working out pretty well so far =)
so yeah.
4. HELL LOT OF PEOPLE IN MY CLASSES!!!
Acct: i have pachshihuieddyeveandynopandre. which is like FIVE singaporeans and two friends-ofsingaporeans all in the exact same section. whoa. that's a first for me man. cuz i'm a college kid =.=
Bpub: i have one singaporean and this brit/american/blah guy i know who's really rich. hahah
Hist: zack! this guy from my writing seminar in the fall.
Psyc: my singaporean buddy hahaha. and A FUNK FRIEND!!! that's friggin awesome man.
Fren: NOBODY!
cool. but yeah. like with the french class now, i actually always thought that having NOBODY in my same class was really normal. last year all my classes were like that! i go alone, i know nobody, i eat alone, i study alone. cuz noone takes the same classes as me. now that i get a taste of the schoollife everyone has i'm like ohhhh. mine really WAS quite different last year and i had noooooo friggin ideaa. SO WEIRD. my life was so weird.
and here's another way in which i realized my school life last yr was really STRANGE.
5. MY CLASSES THIS YEAR (SEEM TO BE) A LOT EASIER.
omg. now i realize how much tougher my classes last yr were. i was killing myself man.
Acct: actually QUITE like "OOH WHATS THAT" one (it's actually not as bad as it sounds!) and my mum's an auditor. BUT there were still bits that were totally like "OMG this is BARNARD ECONS." and i was like.. yeahhhhh i know a bit of this thing. bzz.
Bpub: OMG BARNARD ECON MATHIFIED. and not theoretically as deep. =(=(=( i was really disappointed =.= i wanted deeper theoretical econs!! i was super annoyed. i was considering even going for ECON101 (more advanced econ class) for greater intelletual stimulation, but then i asked a freind and realized actually it's the same theory again as my class, but more advanced math.
i figured i would avoid the math. all i wanted was greater theory. such a tragedy though i REALLY wouldn't hav minded learning MORE about advanced econ. .......but over here it's impossible to do without math. GAH. like a big roadblock to knowledge. how can.
(and as all these thoughts rushed through my head i was like... wait wtf i can't believe i'm getting angry cuz a course isn't intellectually challening/refreshing/new enough.)
(and then i was like wait i'm very happy that if eel like this. my first year didn't make me lazy! the thirst still exists :) proud of it.)
Hist: GAH rehash of my previous hist011 class! SADDDDDDDd. the whole thing about construction of the modern world, idea of nationality etc.. i was kinda like shit i already know this i shouldn't be wasting time on this. but.. but.. i' m trying to not make myself think that. it's a veyr arrogant way of thinking -- like i alr know it. but i KNOW that it's just that w'elll be going a lot more indepth.. which i still need. so i'm trying to make myself continue with the class. plus i really like the prof.
but basically a lament about the american educaton system that i've now realized and lived through -- without a whole system that is ..well. systematic and progresive, you get separately planned classes, and then you plan your own education, and it often means that classes overlap in content, you waste time, you go forward then you backtrack, you go broad but not that deep... it takes a lot of work (and luck) to make sure that your WHOEL education in its entirety works well as a progressive trakc. very annoying sigh. VERY ANNOYING. MY INTELLECTUAL BRAIN CRAVES MOREMOREMOREMOMROERE. CRAVES. CRAVES.
and lastly..
Psyc: haven't gone. will probably be quite intellectually stimulating! good.
Fren: er. i duno what to say about this. it's really weird. people in class don't seem to have excellent french, but the course structure is really weird and different from what i expected, and my prof's french utilisation is a lot more advanced htan i expected. duno what to make of this.
6. and a final note about my classes.. nostalgia.
FRENCH was raelly cool cuz when i heard my prof speak in fluent french with the right accent i got moments of "AH that's that familiar sound". and like a smell that reminds you of a particular place, the sound juts suddenly swooshed me back to those little moments hwen i'm there in france, in tours, livingin adream.
living in a dream. and i live it again for that second, and breathe that air for 1 second and go "omg. ah." before it slips away and i fall back into the present.
..which in future will bcome another moment that ilive throug hlike that.
but yeah it was just really cool to be.. brought back. i really .. i duon. it's just very endearing. and very 'ah'.
and HISTORY! i have a professor who taught at cambridge for 30 years before! OMG it was awesome hearing a brit-ish (not british. british-ish) accent. and that kinda thinking, that kind away of teaching, of talking.. i was like AH. return of the brits. of the humanz tutors' style. the way he packages the whole class like a long, prepackaged speech. the way he is not overly casual. the way he treats class seriously. the way he goes in depth and discusses things instead of.. mentioning them. which so many american professors do. the weight he seems to give to what he's saying. ..and he didn't even say that much.
and of course. he's also stricter. he said NO COMPUTERS TO TAKE NOTES and i was like FUCK but i was like HAHA awesome iw anna be tortued ike that! the way we would take notes in humanz classes.
i guess i just.. i just liked that someone was pushing me back forcefully to the traditions. gosh to make it soudn sadistic, it's like if you were a kid that often got beaten with a cane to work, and you grow up and you're totally libralized, but you kinda miss being caned a bit. OMG. lol
btu haha that aside, it was just the tone that brought me back to this.. comfort zone. in a class full of americans i smiled to myself and lookd at that tone and formality endearingly and was like "ah there's a little piece of something closer to home."
and i wanted to tell him so badly. i konwhere you're coming from! or i likeyourstyle! or.. it's great to have this kinda teaching again when i've only had ther est for a while! or.. it's great that i get to balance it upw ith both now! or.. you remind me of home!
but ijust walked out of class and decided maybe i'd get a diff opportunity to mention it.
and now again i have a lot to say, and so i dump it here. i need a best friend who reads everything. that shall be my blog. haha. ok. study.
"... i just want to tell you everything."
sigh.
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| things, again |
[8th September, 2009
Tuesday, 7:28am] |
1a. i had a remarkable 30 hour flight, which bad as it sounds, actually mightve been a bit better, minus the boredom. it meant i arrived at 5pm, so i really just slept through the night, woke up super early, and am pretty much over the jet lag in a day (minus once-in-a-while tiredness and wait 5am or 5pm now?)
but i realized that the leaving process for me was 30 hrs, unlike other people who just say bye in <10secs. i kept moodswinging on the plane. from nicemovie, to nowistudymath, to crying from the leaving, to thoughts of summer, then wash and repeat.
1b. i forgot to get my i-20 signed before i left the us, so going back in i got kept at "secondary inspections", essentially the police post at the airport for >an hour, after my 30 hour flight.
2. i really miss home. i miss people. i miss some people in particular. but this never hit as much last year. my analysis is that my "idontmisshomeimfineleaving" extended to "idontwannagohomeinwinter/iwannamakemyselfmisshome" which became "shitnowireallydomisshome" which allowed me to go home and be like "AHsoTHISishome." andnow with that new-foudn awareness of what home is and what home means, i'm doubly homesick.
why am i working in such strange ways. don't most people go the other way round?
3. a lot of things are hitting me now that i'm here and it's so sudden, cuz i'm no longer distracted by the shinynewthings/iwannafitins that prevailed so much the 1st year i was here. now all the firstimpression part is over, i come and smoothly slide right into penn, and the stark contrast in environments is just.. a bit a bit shocking. lots of compares and contrasts and realizations in my head as i literally slipped right out of my 100% singaporean/old firends community into this penn community, which i had TOTALLY put aside and not thought about for 2m months, and which is now hitting me 100%. i'm like "OH YA. oh right. ya this culture. oh wow look americans. oh hey i'm going for dance. oh hey my accent"
i'm getting so SUCKED back into this! you know how in school people are really just very narrow minded. their whole life, whole society becomes the school itself, and they juts wanna climb within there and soar? it's happening again. all these fb invites on parties, all these attempts at networking and knowing people..
i've always enjoyed this thing in school. i call it "THE GAME". i know its narrow, but its fun, and you're in it, so i play it. but now that i'm back from singapore where life was.. LIFE. life was the WHOLE SOCIETY. parties were clubbing not in-school frat parties. now that i've done that i'm... zz-ed. a bit. but of course, i know i'll get back into it. esp cuz i'm in funk, whic hsi a very IN IT thing.
3a but some realizations, or some things that have changed, or some things that i want to change now that i'm here with this fresh mindset.
(A) i want to cook. i thought i wldn't but now that i'm here withotu a meal plan, and with newfound appreciation for home food (NEW -- didn't exist first time i came i wasn't food-sick at all), i really want to eat normal healthy food. i can't stand the idea of takeouts and the grease and oil and the lack of care, and i don't want to get used to shitty sandwiches again. (see shitty sandwiches shld be a bit eww in themselves, but its eww-er when you realize you've gotten used to them. and its a disgusting feeling and i dont want it back).
.. so now i need solutions to my food dilemmas. i've bought saladleaves,mayo,non-fat turkey and baguettes to make sandwiches, i've bought cereal. but i need to cook CLEANGOOD rice and veggies soon. the thought that if i one day lose the ability/awareness/TIME to deal with my food dilemmas and will thus have to eat poorly -- that thought is scary. with noone to take care of her, meiling plunges into horrible unhealthy eating habits again that leave her either malnutritioned or over-nutritioned. that' terrilbe. food is fundamental. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
(B) i want this semester to be better than the last. being in singapore and being so MOBILE and INDEPENDENT just.. makes me want it again. maybe i can travel downtown? go for dance classes? do random things that EXIST outside of uni life? thank god i'm quitting my other dacne group. my.. life satisfaction meter really needs to come up over here.
(C) i want to DRESS WELL. i've gotten used to this again. and cuz of this newfoudn appreciation/care for fashion/whatithinklooksgood, i thought about it reasonably much in greece/singapore. about clothes, about my prefernces. and then i come here and the first day after i wash up and put on something casual but nice, and put on cute shoes, i was like WAIT> wait. first of all, i'm not heading out like i am in singapore. oh.. ok. =(. and then i step out and HELLOO SWEATPANTS+SWEATERS GALORE.
(D) i know have a much more confident hold of "MY ACCENT", which i can now comfortably define as neither really singaporean nor really amrican. and i'm not saying it doesnt SOUDN singaporean/american. im saying that because i no longer THINK, while i'm speaking, that i'm speaking in ONE particular accent, it means i'm not trying,a and i'm just being myself, while being understandable. ( unlike last sem when fi i did that i wld be ununderstandable ) so that's good, and controlled, and balanced, and mature. which is what all the otehr aspects of my life shld really start to incline towards too now. hahah meiling's eternal struggle lol. why am i so reactive =.=
and don't get me wrong i LIKE IT sometimes. you want life with allowances too. life that allows you those days of i-dunos where you can't be bothered and you step out in pyjamas to buy food on campus.
but like the disgusting food, i don't want to get too used to disgusting fashion. i'll do it but.. gah it's difficult to keep your had in place.
realization = americans dress badly.
4 . i have a mth placement test which is annoying me to bits CUZ I HAVE TO STUDY and it's REALLYREALLY ruining my return-to-school party/relax fun esp with dance. cuz of my mindset of course, everytime i have a test i have to spend everywaking minute studying / WANTING TO study it else i feel guilty.
BUT I THINK I ONLY NEED TO PASS THIS ONEEE. but i need to make sure so i'm gonna study. I NEED TO GET A HOLD OF MY HEAD it's not as majora s you thin kmeiling can you please handle it with the right, APPROPRIATE amoutns of thought/effort?
it's math and integration and i can't believe i'm looking at that again, but i'm glad i am cuz... i hate it when people now think i'm this total artsy fartsy humanz person who is bad at math and science. well i wld say that i'm perhaps more inclined towards the humanities BUT I'M NOT ANTI SCIENCE OR MATH WHAT. i used to be one of thsoe science/math muggers all the way up till sec 4! which was only .. 4 years ago. ..hahah. i laugh at myself. nvm. i give up on fighting this stereotype maybe lol. no need to bother. i'm studying math.
5. funk si taking up more time than i imagine, from the very begining. i need to figure out what else i wanna do this sem. pottruck ballet classes? or shld i just do social dancing this sem. DUNO. NEED TO THINK.
other need to dos:
- figure out printer issue with roomies. also figure out microwave stuff later.
- sign up for math placement test on that day. study math
- BUY TEXTBOOKS. PRINT OUT/ BUY FRENCH STUFF ESP
- get into bpub 250. decide whether i wanna go for that mktg class which i'm gonna drop for bpub.
6. today is MAD day. mr dan spoke to me online today to ask why i ddn't go for his classes =) and i'm really hapy that he asked though i'm also really sad i didn't get to go fro a single on in SEVEN WEEKS.
i'm juts really glad he remembers me =) cuz i tend to assume that once you graduate you bcome a tiny figure in a teacher's life. but here we were his FIRST BATCH of students ( I DIDN'T REALIZE!!) so i get to forever keep that honorary title and always be a special figure in this teacher's life lol. i say, naively and stubbornly and childishly.
i also told him that i had a dream of ppl doin Journey and i was really sad, and he said Journey will always be ours LOL aww, and he said SMU did journey in prague and got 1st, and i was happy for him but i was really sad and i NEVER WANNA SEE PPL DO IT cuz it'll break my heart to see what i lost. it's like seeing.. your exboyfriend's new girlfriend. hahaha =.=
yeah then there was anothe rMAD-realted thing too but i won't mention it here.
and then lastly a funk recent-grad asked me on fb if im dancing this semester. but he had probs with his fb i think and didnt reply when i said i was so now i'll never find out why he asked.
7. i miss home, i miss people, i miss going out, i miss living in the city, in my city.
but sometimes its scary how much your feelings for a place/city is determined by how MOBILE you feel there. ie, in a few yrs when i blog agn and i'm totally comfy with philly, you wouldn't be seeing any blog posts like this. and i'm totally aware of that. hmm.
gah
I MISS PEOPLE.
i miss having people. available.
i'm not gonna be lonely again this sem i'm not. i think.
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| a strange couple of days |
[20th August, 2009
Thursday, 2:25pm] |
day before:
1. i felt destructive.
2. i untagged 200 photos and 10 videos on facebook and removed 9 albums.
yesterday:
3. i had only one meal the entire day
4. i took strange bunny photos with fish eyed lenses
5. i bought an iphone. (?!?? so random. so numb.)
6. i shared 4 jugs between 6 people, then had a jaegar bomb, a tequila shot, and a flaming lamborghini. (my new found alcohol tolerance level shocks me)
7. i danced on the platform in mambo. (?? wtf? i don't even know the moves)
8. i slept 1.5 hours cuz i couldn't sleep. possibly too much redbull. (my extremely low caffeine tolerance level also shocks me)
9. weee. now i'm blogging.
cool :D yesterday was friggin memorable and i love that album of photos and i love having all these stupid random things about my life that are exciting and .. fun. cool. makes you feel like you're doing something with it.
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[14th August, 2009
Friday, 3:52pm] |
"first love's alright as far as it goes. last love, that's what i'm interested in."
- the edge of love
you've got a raindrop running down your cheek.. just like a raindrop.
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[12th August, 2009
Wednesday, 2:22am] |
BLAST YOUR EGO. BLAST YOUR EGO. BLAST YOUR BLAST YOUR BLAST YOUR EGO TO PIECES.
AH HAH. ah haaaaah. ah hahahahh. :D
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| FRANCE/travels and HOME |
[23rd July, 2009
Thursday, 2:56pm] |
a friend sent me a long message, and prompted me to type all this out. there're a lot more details that i cld go into and that i DO want to remember, but for now this will suffice.
as background info, here's where i was / what i was doing during my first year:
1. first semester in penn.
- did Penn Dance.
2. winter break:
- met friend in New York then brought her to Philly
- visited cousin in Canada over christmas
- did amazing roadtrip in California
- remaining time in between spent feeling cold and lonely in Philly without a working computer and friends around.
3. second semester in penn.
- did Penn Dance, Strictly Funk, and SingCity2 (singaporean musical)
4. summer break:
- one week in Sacramento for my cousin's wedding
- nearly a week in London meeting friends and on the way to France
- six weeks summer school in Tours, France learning french + visiting Paris, Le Havre, Etretat, and some chateaus. included my first time travelling by myself!
- one week in Greece
- one-day stop over in London before coming home.
and so this entry is about my summer program in France, and is my reply (with modifications) to my friend's account of the summer program in Argentina:
six weeks in France
".....when i read that i was laughing inside cuz it's like haha ya the same everywhere with the summer programs.
- go out and club/pub every night check
- loud americans sticking together check
- cliquey americans check
- first time EVER (for me) making ACTUAL american/caucasian friends check
- first time ever without ANY singaporeans around me (YAYYYY) check!
- cultural observations between american france & singapore checkcheckcheck (we did a LTO of that in class!).
for the going out:
i actually ended up going out only twice or thrice at night (and one of which was with this polish girl who i can really talk to, and we only talked, nth else). most of the times i stayed away from the amers and did my own thing. at the same time tho i think i became more confident around them. the prog sorta broke me in, allowed me to make actual friends at last. -- actually, i'd say too that during my entire first year i didn't raelly make any proper american friends. just fleeting acquaintances. and also around the amers i used to be alittle more afraid to speak up maybe. felt slightly foreign,since people in my classes were usually mostly/all american, and also esp cuz our accents were diff and they wld sometimes have difficulty understanding. BUT now i've honed a more understandable accent that i hope is an "international accent" - slightly amer slightly asian. and also the prog like i said broke me in so it's a lot easier now to just be at ease.
(and going back again to the friends issue, even amongst the singaporeans there weren't that manycloser friends i made =x. i was just busy working and dancing, and besides that i guess i just felt somewhat lonely at times =.= diff types of people, or not enough type to invest in others yet)
the language:
for me after the six weeks my french has become i-hope-almost-fluent-with-errors. i have trouble -understanding-/listening sometimes but reading is 75% okay at least, and expressing MYSELF is pretty easy now. or well except when i get nervous or know another student is really advanced in it and i get intimidated =.= but otherwise in general it now rolls off the tongue more easily and i don't need to translate as much. a lot to do with the choices you make on the program i think. i/people sometimes wonder why i need another language, but really it's not just language but like.. a way of functioning at the most fundamental lvl. nothing like living in a complete different MODE. changes so much and opens up SO MUCH of france to me.
the travelling/coming home:
yep i pretty much went everywhere either alone or in small grps too. did my first weekend travelling by myself! but there are buts, and this is a bit more complicated to explain --
i think although i've grown to be more spontaneous and adventurous, by NATURE/instinct i'm actually a lot more of a stay-safe person. so really all this travel and adventure and WANTing to be independent has worn me out very quickly, yet when it was finally the end of penn + all the work/travelling in btwn, i still had a two month california-london-france-greece-london thing to get through. i've been 6 flights 9 trains 3 ferries and more buses in TWO months with huge luggage. and over the entire past -year-, i've been to denmark-norway-sweden-finland london-oxford-york washingtondc newyork philadelphia californiaroadtrip miami sacramento kitchener athens-santorini-crete paris-tours-lehavre-etretat. omg.
..wow and oh gosh. i know people can do more, but this is just ME in that context. so right now i'm tired of looking out for myself, and i'm gonna need a break from all this for a while. i was so happy when for the first time the weary me at the airport searched for "Singapore" in the panel instead of anything else. :) i culture shocked when i got back cuz suddenly i didn't have to take care of myself, my shower wasn't a hostel shower, and i came into my room and sensed a distinct difference between the 18yrold-me and the now-me.
but of coures it was a good thing i put myself through. greece was amazing but that's another story. now i'm home and over the culture/self shock and having fun. AND PEOPLE AT HOME ARE ASKING ME TO JAM. i've actually mostly given up on pursuing that path of music now, i come back and feel so blessed bcuz ppl continue to ask me back to do stuff. so i just meet my friends and sing with them. i'm a lucky leech."
now my additions to that:
being home, part 2
now that it's a week since i've been home, ah I'VE REALLY MISSED HOME. AND ALL THIS COMPANY. for some reason it's been a lot harder finding closer friends in Penn and now that i'm here i just feel so ahhh. surrounded by comfy cushions. you don't realize it till you're away but well. these are friendships that have been forged over many years, or that have links to way back in the past, even before you've known the person (i.e. oh you know my friend who was my p4 classmate, or oh you remember toa payoh in 1997? etc.)
so blessed. so warm. so cosmopolitan, so MOBILE in this city. maybe i'll get more comfortable abroad in time -- i KNOW i will actually. and i know that these ppl whom i'm not so familiar with in uni will become my future lao peng yous, but juts in this instance, i'm happy to be home :)
and i think i just made my parents very happy by in one conversation telling them that.
1. i was thinking of not doing the dualdegree thing at first but am now leaning towards doing it
2. i want to go to sentosa (my dad wants to go, and he usually wants to bring me to places that i don't wanna go to)
3. telling them i think i want to come home next winter cuz i've spent too much time and xin si travelling this year already. plus most of the ns guys will be out. plus i think i'll still be home sick a bit. (they'd be happy. i refused to come home the whoel of last year)
but my dad also made me happy by sounding happy with the term "CONSUMER PSYCHOLOGY". ie if i don't do a dual degree i can do the inter-school (wharton/college) minor in consumer psych and he'd be like ooh that sounds nice. hahah we'll see.
besides that i've already um. taken a singapore airlines flight home, gotten used to singlish (though sometimes really bad english still hurts my ears), had high tea and REALLY well cooked food at the Equinox, gone CLUBBING (and i'm gonna go every week), gone dancing at Oschool(!), gone "dance jamming" by booking a studio, kinda gone actual jamming and sung for the first time like that in a longlong time, met up with close friends, met up with NOT-so-close friends (makes a big diff! v important. and enjoyable.), umm had home-cooked food, played with my cousin's son, talked to my sister and my parents, walked aroudn orchard road, visited the ion, watched movies in orchard, watched movies near my house, had boon tong kee chicken rice, read the local papers, hung aroudn in Borders at Wheelock, met my sec school classmates, helped out at the US universities exhibition, reminisced about JC life, went to NIck's house hah, went to TImbre (!), dressed up went out and drank like an adult (LEGALLY!!), taken the bus, taken the mrt, and more.
and i want to.. have roti prata, meet the madders, go clubbing some more, take the circle line, go for more/different Oschool classes, visit more new malls, hang out in Town more, watch Public Enemies, watch Coco avant Chanel, go cycling, go to Sentosa, eat out wiht my family, eat at Jumbo seafood, go to Clark Quay, go to Zouk, meet more people, go to the hawker centre, have rojak with only youtiaos, go back to Hwachong, have an all-night conversation, watch the national day parade, go to the Esplanade, and.. and more.
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| i'm home :) |
[19th July, 2009
Sunday, 12:54am] |
july 19: being home, part 1
home with a new number - 84466153 :) and many new thoughts. oh god. i'll list them.
mainly, i'm culture-shocked. or self-shocked. and shocked that i'm culture shocked.
1. singlish/singaporean accented english is so UGH. but cuz i've been with clara for a week i'm a little more uesd to it. i've also gotten rid of my american accent, so it's a little betteer. minor point
2. biggie. i've become such, such a different person. i walked into my house, into my room, into these places that my old self felt so accustomed to, and that my oldself would just emerge into so quickly and naturally. but i stepped in, looked around, and when i went into my room my head just started spinning. i was just like.. staring at everything. and thinking -- oh god. it was designed by a different person. and i think my brain just couldn't take/process it at the moment cuz it was so.. unexpected. i remembered my house and my room but juts in general, not the little details. and i got dizzy and just omg wanted to be left alone.
then i went for a shower. and usually when i shower i do all the little things really quickly - put down stuff, hang towel, dump clothes at side, shower. in my dorm it's cuz of habit, in hostels it's cuz i just have a plastic bag with my stuff. but this time i went in and i had to "set up". cuz i knew i was gonna be there for a while. and iput all my stuff down, and all the racks weren't empty as in hostels/dorms, but filled with other stuff like from a different life. and i looked around for the hooks for my towel, but i expected to instinctively know where they were. i knew i guess, but def not by instinct. and i guess it just overwhelmed me a bit. i was like. AH. UGH. AH. and i sat down on the floor to take it in and just feel.. weird about it.
* but i guess it wasn't just not being used to the environment. i think i just i wasn't used to having a home. cuz even in my dorm in the states, bcuz i knew i was gonna move out, i never took it as a real home. it was a place to live in, for me to put my stuff in. i never bothered too much designing it, arranging everthing properly, keeping it clean, or jstu really settling in or feeling too comfortable in it.
.. and that was for a year. and in between ALL other places were transient. travelling during winter break, fall/spring break. and especially summer break, where i then through on myself another 2 months of travelling and being alone, after i'd already decided not to go home for both semesters.
and like i said in my previous post, i had just gotten so tired of looking out for myself the whole time (i told clara it was like you'd have your eyes WIDE open in the day to find directions and look out for yourself, and you'd have them "wide open" too even at Night.) but that temporary attitude, bcuz of the length of my travels, kinda slowly and gradually became habit and reality. and now that im home, i'm just still having trouble letting it go.
i guess i also don't know if i SHOULD let it go. it's like i've developed a new self and i like it, and then suddenly u're back to your old environment and the two are merging, and the new self is becoming less defined. i need to keep reminding myself it's there and not go back in reverse. which is so easy over here cuz of the older environment.
i keep saying this to people -- i'm sure all of us have changed, but we changed in diff places, and sometimes diff environments lend themselves to more or less change. and for me/us it was like we took ourselves out of home and went elsewhere and changed, but we changed away from home -- we didn't change WITH our original environment. and here, now that we're snapping back to that old environment, it's like.. it's juts weird. i snap back and i go. wait. what? this is so.. different. and weird. and i don't really wanna revert totally back to that old self. but i guess what's happening now too is that the two selves are forming a stronger link with each other. it's like what they say about life being a series of moments and you being a series of yous. now the series of mes ar ejust linking up with metal, instead of thread.
weird.
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