| i'm kinda |
[9th July, 2009
Thursday, 6:09pm] |
tired of being adventurous,
of being independent.
of alwyas knowing that that's good and always WANTING to be like that
of having WANTWANTWANT and curiosity. and making myself run after it.
of travelling alone. which was great while i did it but has now depleted my energies.
of mentally exploring alone
is tired of being strongstrnogstrong all the time and just taking care of myself
of looking out for everything about myself.
oh god i loved it and i did it and i had wonderful memories doing things like that but IT'S BEEN A YEAR.
and i'm tired. and i'm also leaving france tmr after 6 wks, and am going to greece next bu tjust a while -- which i too am tired for, but clara will be there and we can take care of each other and i won't have to shoulder everything for myself anymore :)
i'm ready to go home and ROT.
i'm ready to let it go..
but yes, this little thing did me good. definitely did me lots and lots and lots of good. change.
|
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| movies! |
[8th July, 2009
Wednesday, 9:26pm] |
MOVIES TO SEE IN SINGAPORE:
so i'm not a big harry potter person, but half blood prince looks really awesome so that's a must-see. of course transformers 3 cuz part of it was SHOT IN PENN HHAHA! in my dorm :D:D and then there's coco avant chanel cuz umm it's audrey tautou and it's french and it's good practise to hear french again haha (and compare it to the last time i watched a french movie in sg and understood nothing:). then there's public enemies cuz DUHH it's johnny depp and christian bale and marion cotillard all of whom i love (bale!! sexysexy voice hahah). and actually also 20th century boys cuz i love all these weird hypothetical sci-fi with implications ontoday's world kinda films (odd as they are) and i'm startnig to find this new sort of.. fascination with japanese culture. uhohhhh. new area of interest. oh and omg the final destination DUHDUH i loved it when it first came out (can you believe it was TEN years ago are we that old) and this is gonna be in 3d ..?! ok.
..and that's it.
nananere.
I'M HOME NEXT SATURDAY!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY
|
|
| another interesting thing |
[3rd July, 2009
Friday, 10:04pm] |
so i heard this quesiton in an interview, and it actually made me think, so... i think it's interesting and revealing.
what are your five favorite non-musical sounds or noises?
your dog lapping water? your loved one saying he/she loves you. maybe it's the sound of cooking. or the wind. or typing on a computer. or your mum calling you for dinner. or the sound of laughing. or babies giggling. or children playing. it could say so much.
SO.. i thought about it. and found the things that i find really more Meaningful to me. amidst all the cliches / cliched answers. cliches are cliches for a reason but BETWEEN the cliches, after giving it some thought -- the ones that do Mean more, that carry a Weight to them, for me, are probably
( tucked away here )
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| a couple of random things |
[3rd July, 2009
Friday, 9:35pm] |
Ok do i'm gonna attempt to do a more coherent entry, because.. because i miss the english language! i never understood when people said they really liked a certain language. to like one, you have to have experience several, and know the differences between them, and know how it feels like reading one or saying one. but i guess my chinese never got up to the point of my english when it comes to literature and things like that -- it was spoken, convenient, necessary, and that was about it. i could like it now -- i think i have more of the capacity -- but putting it aside now anyway, it's just interesting looking back again on the english language after having spent 6 weeks in France really just speaking ONLY either (1) french, or (2) american english, as opposed to before, when it was english all the time, but intertwined with everyday singlish/singaporean english.
so it's interesting. back in the US in school, i feel like it's been a while since i've really had the chance to craft an English Essay. like.. it was something we got to do in secondary school in English classes. write soemthing -- an article, a composition -- and edit it, craft it. once we stopped doing those kinda long essays that we coudl take home, draft, craft, edit, rewrtie etc over a certain period of time, most of the English and the Essays were... secondary. they were mediums through which we spilled out our knowledge in history, geography, ltierature.. of course with lit you needed to craft your essays more, phrase your ideas beautifully. but nevertheless now that i think about it -- after being apart from that kinda environment for a while -- i miss the.. i miss the aesthetic appeal of english. and i'm here reading some of my older compositions just loving the feeling of the words linking together and forming ideas and images and the paragraphs creating a story an introduction an ending, instead of just boomboompow here-is-my-idea. maybe journalism was a good idea =.= or maybe not. i miss it i miss it whne do we get to do it again!
besides that right now it's also really surreal being so much more fluent in the french language. like to me now it's normal, and it still isn't good, and not even really fluent, but copmared to before! this random chain of sounds now sound coherent to me and it's so SURREAL. i think more so because language really is.. just LIFE. its the way your life WORKS. realizing your life can WORK in a completely different way is a very surreal feeling, particularly for those who only started learning new languages later on. i realized my friends who started on other languages earlier don't feel this way, but that's cuz in france/USA they had the chance to pick up languages in school since they were like 4, or 5, whereas in singapore we just jump right into having two "first languages" really. so.. yes. so surreal. but it's beautiful being able to function in a different way in life -- and it hink that's why i want to be fluent in French. do i love it yet? frankly i don't think i know it well enough to love it. it hink i could love ANY language. but what i really wanted was not french, but to Have a different language in my bag. i think it's great being able to be a linguist -- it's like a representation of having a much wider world view, a much more open mind and heart that allows itself to take in a different language, a different way of functioning and living, and all the other cultural implicationst that come through in language (what vocabulary there is, how they describe things in idioms, how they describe the act of doing certain things, the ability to translate between languages or lack thereof). so many nuances and sensitivities
and finally about accents. this is really difficult just because i think with my personality -- i enjoy independence, i respect it and i value it. but such a big part of me constantly also seeks acceptance and some form of conformity and standardness, or just an "equal ground/standing" socially, from which i then proceed to comfortably go off the path from time to time. it comforts me knowing i have seen what is normal, i have listened to everyone, i have been there and i can be there, and i have done what i am supposed to do before i go on to do other things. i know it's normal and exists in everyone but i guess to different extents, and it's funny how big a role this psychological attitude plays in me.
ANYWAY. so based off that -- it's been really important for me to blend in with the rest of the people i'm with in america. obviously around signaporeans this wasn't a problem, but i found it really awkward at first being around americans and not being able to speak the way they do, having them think i'm a foreign, i'm new to their culture (which really isn't that true), that english is my second language, that i'd be different and they should treat me differently. i felt that way and i didn't like that feeling. BUT i did not want to suddenly change accents and Jump into a completely different personality. so what i did was to let it slowly transition -- and i have no idea at all how it happened -- but slowly from singaporean "good" english (no idea what it sounded like), to slight more american, to now this weird melange of sometimes american intonation, sometimes british/singaporean pronunciation, sometimes with tinges of singaporean intonations... i guess that's a good thing. in fact again because of the whole acceptance issue i WANTED that. so much of me, before, felt unable to make connections with people, unable to get comfortable with them, knowing they see me as possibly more scared of them or just.. foreign. or like in dance groups -- i felt muted. like if i spoke i would be taken differently from the way they would take anyone else, like i had to be more accommodating.. it got tiring.
BUT. i want to say that these 6 weeks in france without any singaporeans/comfort cushions around me (YAY) did GOOD for me. i got to.. "practise" (as in Exercise) my use of... american singaporean english? good english? understandable english. and also with 6 weeks of being around people who would've previously intimidated me, that intimidation just sort of... faded away. for once in class i felt myself falling more into place, falling into PLACE, having a Place. speaking up, laughing more loudly, talking about home, mentioning cultural things i experienced, talking about differences not just between france and america but also singapore. being more proud of home. finding things to be proud of. or not so proud of. both. just finding more clarity. and it's been AWESOME being able to speak more confidently, more like them, but not completely. just sufficient enough to be.. taken more.. "solidly"? like i'm there i've more of a place and i'm making more of an impact.
it's also been nice knowing that i CAN hang out with other people besides Singaporeans! i don't know why i find that comforting but it IS. maybe that i can ACCESS the world not just physically, but more culturally and socially too. i mean it's different visiting a coutnry and observing things that are different, and getting INTO it and knowing it while hopefully being able to keep a part of yourself. it's not just the physical life that differs, but also the medium through which you view and observe that physical life. so anyway i've been able to acutally get COMFORTABLE around some pure americans (and not just asian americans / whiteonoutside yellowoninside americans.), and to have FRIENDS, FRIENDS there. connection, connections between cultures, between countries. i feel like basically like YES. I Made Contact. it might sound weird to everyone else at home / in places with few other singaporeans how long it's taken me, but really the only way is BRUTE FORCE. forcing yourself to just be around them -- people who you think are so different from you at first. and although Penn doesn't have that many singaporeans and i wasn't stuck in comfrot zone all the time, i always had the option of running to them, which kept me save. coming to France alone just let me plunge in. and... and now i've found more Friends and Connections. :) and i'm happy. unbelievable that it's the FIRST time since i've come to the states -- making actual closer american friends (seriously i'm thinking about it -- it's the first time.), but well, better late than never. :) and i'm glad i went shopping with someone, that i joke with people, that i tell them about singapore, that they joke with me, that we take pictures, that i have hade longer conversations, that i can Connect. my ability to Connect is still there.
obviously, it's not with everyone -- many of the things it hought about americans/"foreigners' int he past rest true -- a lot of them are so much more immature sometimes and omg that bimbotic californian accent. but some other things i hadn't found have also appeared and proven true. at least a FEW here and there who're a little more grounded you know.
interestingly, one of the persons -- non singaporean, in penn -- i could really talk to for the first time is this polish girl i started talking to recently here in France (she's on the program). and interesting we have so much more in common! like european culture, or maybe polish culture, the conservativeness vs liberalness, the independence, the observations, the dancing, the want in life -- it was very interesting that i could talk to her. and it'll be great keeping in touch. and again, i juts feel happy that i've extended my ability to connect to people to not just singaporeans, but also other people frmo abroad. i guess in my self-psychoanalytic way, i'd say it's probably juts comforting finding company everywhere and not just from one limited place -- the latter makes me scared.
soo.. great. language, accents, culture. hmm. of course the other issue is the idea of identity. what do i speak when i'm around singaporeans? around americans? around britains? what does it mean. and now that i realize REALLY REALLY how INCOMPREHENSIBLE singlish is to the world (it's really horrilbe sometimes i REALLY support the ability to codeswitch and and our speak good english campaign now. but i still love singlish. codeswitchcodeswithc!), what does that mean.
but.. i'll save that for another itme.
i'm chewing up the words now and savouring them and putting them into nice dishes like.. like offred in margaret atwood's book again. (REMEMBER???)
phew. i can't believe i sat down and did this.
|
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| so in france |
[26th June, 2009
Friday, 5:01pm] |
1. SALES IN TOURS. i went shopping today. and i've been really happy with my buys cuz i've been getting stuff "cheap" BUT i just realized 1 euro = 2.05 sgd!! ZUT. i thought it was less! i've already bought:
clothes ( I DID PRETTY WELL )
- vintage shop: belt (5 euros!)
- vintage shop: long boho skirt (5 euros!)
- vintage shop: flowy top (10 euros)
- etam: vest (6 euros!)
- zara: red shoes (16 euros!) love them:)
- zara: belt (8 euros!)
- zara: awesome skirt (25 euros)
...i picked this up and put it down telling mysef i didn't actually ike it that much. then i was walking around and i just wanted nothing else but the skirt so =.= bought it
other stuff:
- book: the little prince (6 euros)
- several magazines (?)
- notebooks for school (?)
- lost dvds in french (~42 euros i think?) OMG. but i don't really regret this cuz it was one of the best ways to make sure i get to listen to (and get addicted to) a lot of french even in sg so i don't stagnate. ...
and of course:
- A LOT OF TRAIN TICKETS (!)
- A LOT OF FOOD (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but i'm still eating less than in the US hahaha. but SO MUHCH $$$ OMG
__________________________________________________
2. i just wanna put some more things down.
at home. at home. i am so prepped so motivated to 1. get turns right, 2. book a dance studioand practice jumps, flexibiity, turns again cuz I HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN SO LONG. they don't do that here! they don't push me they don't make me do the crazy jumps. they're so much lazier. :( which isn't their fault. but means i have to look for my own outlets so i am. 3. go for hiphop classes! A LOT OF THEM.
and you know what after that when i'm back in penn, once i've dropped ______, i really REALLY wanna go for like gymnastics classes and be able to like flip and turn and do crazy shit cuz I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO and i'm not gonna be young forever and i wanna be able to do that at some point in my life so I'M GONNA SEEK IT.
and i also wanna learn SALSA. my royal 3rd attempt at picking up a partner dance for reasons too compilcated to explain here. but why i wanna do it -- partner dancing is this new kinda fun that i never foudn elsewhere and that i ahve gotten hints of, its FUN, and being able to dance woud allow me to go to salsa clubs and have a new source of fun. the last is the main reason. oh. OH. and i don't think ic an be 40 and doing hiphop so i really should pick up something else if i wanna dance foreverandeverandever (whie i'm alive)
and after gymnastics and salsa YOU KNOW WHAT maybe if i were crazy enough i'd go for popping lessons. not cuz i like it that much. i respect it but it's not girly enough ahahhahaha butbut BUT it's a cool new tool to have dance wise and. and. and.
I WANT SO MUCH NOW. i want. so i'm putting it down to keep this want alive, cuz it's gonna have to be alive for the next 3 years at least for it to be true. i wanna keep the Want alive. ok.
i got it off my chest.
_________________________________________________
3. alst thing i wanan get down - if eel so much ike i shoud be blogging about franc ecuz there's so much richness here so much i've learnt so much i've done for the first time so many breakthroughs ive made within myself -- but i'm lazy i wish all my thoughts could come out faster than the speed at which i type (which is alr pretty fast0>
so i'm lazy. but i'm just putting this down as like a bookmark to that page of memorise in my head. so i'm not copying out the events and summarizing them in a separate sheet, but i'm dogear-ing it. and it deserves more than that cuz its so much but well.
i guess ONE one thing i MUST get down is I TRAVELLLED ALONEEE. I know it's no big deal + i didn't even stay in a sep hostel or anth but STILL. it hought i'd never be able to cuz i'm a girl but.. it's not impossibe. and right no THIS is no big deal, but the PROMISE and the POTENTIAL for more is a big dea. but well if anyone is also interested in what i did by mysef over the weekend (imiss i miss imiss the beach in le havre i realy do. i think it's logging in me as one of those "special places" in my head.), go see my album on fb (http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=270730&id=688495272)
and i really DO put a lot into each album on fb =.= i put them in order i cut them i take out irrelevant ones i write commentary i link it.. it's my lazy way of keeping a diary and keeping the moment alive. and to tell stories. although i don't know how many people read them haha. but more importantly i need the story for mysef anyway. for a later point in my life. so that's what i do. ...an album of random "selectall+upload" pictures to others, a carefully arranged and captioned album/collection of memories/moment for me. yep
ok last thing. i speak french. well. i try to still. but.. i just wanna log it down again in my dearest livejournal that I HAVE IMPROVED SO VASTLY AND IT FEELS GOOD being abe to at least SAY somethings i've always wanted to and to OMG undst a diff language? what's the noise that mumble i hear? wait. it makes sense ot me now? how surreal is that!
so this is a special moment and i don't know if it'll only increase or if it'l fade (and it will anyway when i get really old -- hoping i do) so. i'm putting this down in my journal as a special moment i hope to remember in my life.
i'm a memory packrat. i'm being like celine looking at herself through the eyes of herself as an old lady. (this is from Before Sunrise and Waking Life which i should rewatch sometime soon). oh well. life is .. rich. i see it that way. you hoarder meiling you hoarder.
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| ahh |
[10th June, 2009
Wednesday, 9:33pm] |
"Christina, I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there, in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us part. But I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. ..I am not optimistic, I am not hopeful. I, am sure. I am steady. I'm a heart man. Take them apart, put them back together, hold them in my hands. I am a heart man.
So this, I am sure. You are my partner. My lover. My very best friend. My heart. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you, me."
- Preston Burke
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| D'ACCORD |
[24th May, 2009
Sunday, 9:49pm] |
my word of hte day. D'ACCORD.
GET READ Y FOR CRAZY FRENCH i'm rfeeilng overwhleme0(*@$)(*d.
ANW. Je suis en France maintenant, a Tours (i can't type in the accents here nvm) et il est TRES BIZARRE parce qu'il faut que je parle en francais TOUS LES TEMPS avec TOUS?TOUT? LE MONDE et it est assez difficile de communicer (??WHATEV AHH) avec ma famille quand il y a beaucoup de vocabulaire que je n'ai pas.
mais maintenant il y a beaucoup de mots francais dans ma tete et omogmogomg. C'EST TRES SURREEL. (SURREAL?) TRESTRESTREST SURREEL. OMG
le SHOCK.
je wished that je pourrais avoir une dictionnaire avec moi tous les temps parce que maintenant bien que je pense que mon (ma?) grammaire est suffit pour parler au sujet de (?) la plupart de choses en francais, souvent, je ne (CONJUGATE SAVOIR) pas les noms pour certaines choses! et aussi j'ai oublie le [gender] des mots. feminin? masculin? mon dieu mon dieu.
et il parle un peu d'anglais mais ca n'est pas suffit. il est un peu embarrassing!
neanmoins, avant que je eux (I NEED TO LEARN PRONOUNS THEY NEED TO TEACH ME PRONOUNS) rencontrer (isn't this SE rencontrer?) j'ai ete tres nerveuse!! tout le monde ont ete comme ca.( ( JE DOIS REVISER MON CONJUGAISON.)
aller
je vais
tu vas
il va
nous allons
vous allez
ils VONT
etre.
je suis
tu es
il est
nous sommes
vous etes
ils SONT
avoir.
j'ai
tu as
il a
nous avons
vous avez
ils ONT.
je dois souvenier (is it se souvenir for rmember or just souvenir?) aussi mes SUBJONCTIFS ! et CONDITIONNEL et L'IMPARFAIT. mon dieu il a perdu!
okok calm down.
i am in Tours.
i am so sleepy!
god i'm going crazy
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| europe |
[23rd May, 2009
Saturday, 7:10pm] |
so this is what happens to me in my little european adventure. it's not gonna be an "adventure" for long since i'm gonna settle down into summer sch later and travel with others, but for this supposed-to-be-simple lone trip from London to France things are going a leeettle differently
so. firstly, and most majorly, I. Missed. My. Train. ..see last post. i just spent 4 hours stuck in the st pancras international railway station, and discovered that my luggage is too heavy for my own good. (but it's 2 mths of travelling and 2 mths of home :( had to move out of dorm). lugged it up and down trying also to find a towel since i couldn't find mine and there wasn't ognna be one, and then i went aroudn for food and and.. i dunno. i think i walked around the station too many times.
anw. after a long 4 hours (with free internet though) i check-in WAY early this time, and choose to sit in this little corner where I thought I could unload some of my luggage into other bags (but eventually didn't because it was too embarrassing). there was this quiet old indian man there sitting in that same corner and i didn't want to step into his space but.. he looked nice enough, so i sit down next to this man, and i keep my passport and documents. and ENCOUNTER NO. 1 -- this man went
"where are you from?"
"..singapore."
andddd voila. he was from singapore before lol. but he moved to Paris 29 years ago. and it was SUCH a coincidence cuz singapore's so small, and this guy has a son (born in france tho) studying Law in UCL! i was like yea i just visited a friend from there lol.
so anw. this guy totally helps me out. i was asking about the train, about how to get to my hostel so late, and he was gonna help me out on the RER (the metro) but i decided i'd take a cab cuz i was gonna reach so late and i really really just wanna sleep. but yeah it was nice and coincidental.
----
OK. so later i get onto the quai right (boarding platform), and so begins my not-so-smooth process of getting to paris.
1. coaches. - can't find it, don't realize the numbers were on the very dim screen, asked someone, went Oh. oops
2. luggage! as expected i have trouble lifting my probably-100kg bag onto the train and into the rack for luggages, but this really nice guy helps me out. BUT. but. there was no space so he dumps it at the TOP compartment. and as i type this now, i stare at my bag happily stored at the top rack i have no effing idea how i'm gonna get it down w/o being embarrassed and i can't even unload it into other bags now cuz I CAN"T BRING IT DOWN ALONE and noone can help me. (or maybe i should ask that strange guy next to me).
3. doors. uhh didn't know how to open it. lol. CULTURAL DIFF. felt like mr bean in the mr-bean-in-france movwhen i was like oh look, handle. pull. oh wait that doesn't work. uhhh. uhh. PRESS. OOOOOO ok so now it opens. oh wait do i have to close it? uhuhuhuh dunno. walk on. sigh.
4. seats. or lack thereof. basically after that awkward process of merely -entering- the cabin, i happily realize: OH LOOK I HAVE NO SEAT NO. ON MY TICKET! bcuz when i missed the train the woman on the counter did me a kind did and put me on the train, but uhh with conditions not spelt out to me, but that i now know ==
basically what's supposed to happen is that between the nice, cushioned cabins with tables and dc jacks/plugs (whatever they're called), there are little cabins where they store luggage, and nex tto those are three littlelittle seats for more "hop on" passengers to use of in case anth happens. so at first i plonked down on an empty PROPER seat, but someone came along and i got ousted so.. ok. i spent my 2.5 hrs in front of the magazine rack surrounded by luggage and 3 yellow emergency doors.
oh well. at least i didn't have to pay extra for it.
a thought though: life makes allowances. it's like we always think there are rules and systems and fixed no of somethings in "professional" organizations and bla, but.. sometimes not. it's like that margaret atwood book we did (what's it called uhuh. tale. tale. handmaiden? handmaid's. OH handmaid's tale.) where shes looks for the little cracks in the wall, the little allowances in the system. god i am so not [whats hername]. OFFRED. in any case, that was culturally interesting.
5. bathrooms. LOL went in, didn't know how to flush or get tapwater at first. or some reason i recalled people stepping on things and things working so i was like oh look black knobs on floor. i'll try pressing on them. AND IT WORKED! so the flush was fine.BUT for the tap, for a min i just had lots of soap on my hand from pressing the wrong knob, and i couldn't get water to come out of the tap. and i was like.. fuck. thankfully thouhg, i later realized ure sposed to step AGAIN so. yea =.= got the soap off. (now i undst why people say US culture is more similar to sg culture than we think)
-------
NEXT. encounter #2. niceguywhohelpedwithluggage comes out to the luggage area to get stuff, and we chat a bit. AND guess what! him and his mum were actually in the same situation as me interms of missing their train and being "slotted" in to take up extra space. BUT the -PROPER- seats they chose to plonk themselves in -were - empty, so they got lucky! KNS KNSKNSKNKNKNS. they moved from my cui3 luggage location to the real coach, and i was stuck there with no net conneciton or power supply.
anyway. i found out that he was actually from mexico, also a university student (last year though i was like haha i'm in my first year), was studying in london for 4 mths to learn english (and i was like lol i'm going to france to learn french). and he's taking like 6 mths off to just travel around europe and he knows not a single bit of french. and the reason why his mum and him were in the same situation as me was bcuz they missed their flight cuz they went to the wrong airport. lol. people encounters.
---
ok. now, now, now. right as i type this, i have at last found myself 2 hours of calm and no terror or stress. ahh. unforutnaltey i can't sleep cuz it's not totally comfortable, and then watch me tread through more hell later as i attempt to lug my HUGE HEAVY luggage off the train, get into a cab, get to my hostel, check in at 1am, and then lug my luggage up 4 stories. we'll.. see.
____________________
anddd now. i update this from my hostel. firstly I AM SO GLAD I WENT FOR A SINGLE IN THE END. i did not want to be going into a huge shared room at 12mn and shit, and i just wanna dry my clothes and relax and sleep and not care. gd.
anw. so aft i got off the train i followed the signs to the taxi stand and get into the cab and went "umum. je... voudrais.. aller a um. um. bvj quartier latin. um. quarante quatre rue des .. bernandins.. um. oui"
"quoi??"
LOL and i wasl ike HAHAHA okok then i showed him the address. FAIL LAH.
BUT. fortunately after that i held a conversation with him en francais :) bunch of things i didn't get but it helped tt he knew english too so he could translate when necessary. but most of it was in french, though spoken more slowly. haha before that i was like.. idon'tdaretotryidon'tdaretotry but.. yea on the cab i was like fuck la. try. so lol it was fun! i was talking about singapore and all.
-------
I REACH THE HOTEL!! YAY!!!!!!!
YOU THINK ITS THE END OF IT. BUT
life presents one more osbtacle
THE HOTEL HAS NO ELEVATORRRRRRRRRRR.
MY LUGGAGE IS BLOODY HEAVYYYYY.
I WAS ON THE 4TH FLOORRRRRRRRR. = 5TH ACTUALLY cuz they have a (SHIT WHATS IT CALLED) like a ground floor then 1st2nd3rd bla. soo. yea
I DRAGGED IT UP. TO THE 2ND. NOT BAD.
then life presents me with a gift :)
nice guy who speaks only a bit of english and look sreally geeky but nice was like oh! what floor! i was like hahahaha 4. he was like OH. ok. *puts down stuff, grabs lugggage and STORMS UP* i was like WHOA HAHA OK THANKEW. GD NIGHT
and
now
i
am
in
my
room
ahhhhhhhh.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
ahh.
wait. wait. one more false alarm. i thought my adaptor DIDN'T WORK!!! I WAS LIKE NO I WANT MY COMP/HP/BLA. buuut then i realized i juts forgot to detach one part so. now.. now it's fine.
i...
thusss end. my longg
dayy
as..
such.
ahh. movie time.
i comfort myself now. maybe:
1. i will get some sleep w/o much trouble
2. someone will help me take down my luggage
3. dragging my luggage out onto the streets shouldn't be a problem
4. the french cabbie will help me get it on and off the cab ( et je dois parler en francais avec him! lui?) nah actually i haven't been confident enough to speak much french at all. i just speak in english =.= and when i try proper english now it's slightly american accented yet with some british pronunciation so it just sounds way weird. anw.
5. when i reach the hostel, either
a. it will have a lift. ascenseur? escalier? I FORGOT!!!!! or.
b. i get to change to something on like the 1st floor.
6. and i chose to go for a 45euro single for tonight rather than the 29euro shared AND I DO NOT rEGRET IT cuz i will be trudging in late, be super happy to get to shower AT LAST, and unloading my luggage so it's easier to manage =.=
oh god oh god oh god.
this is exciting. but i wish i had more sleep so i'd be able to find it more exciting/fun/wow instead of just feeling.. sleepy. tired. and stressed.
kkk. FRANCE. i'd like to sleep on the train now. but only until we get into the actual channel where we're underwater woot (altho i might not see a thing). kkk.
hai.
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| boom boom pow |
[22nd May, 2009
Friday, 5:26pm] |
i love that song.
am also biased cuz we danced to it.
anyway. i'm herenow in a cafe in the London St Pancras station, waiting the last train to paris tonight. so.. today
1. slept little
2. didn't get to shower before coming out. ran out of time.
3. packed in 5min and left towel behind (and my hostel doesn't provide towels)
4. missed train to paris. totally uncalled for. instinct to reach early was right and SO LOGICAL. what was i thinking.
5. have 4 hours of nth to do
6. just wanna fall asleep right now in this cafe.
7. had 1.5 poudns tea. thats like $4 for hotwater and a teabag.
BUT. but lemme rewrite that.
1. slept little
(but it was my choice)
2. didn't get to shower before coming out. ran out of time.
3. packed in 5min and left towel behind (and my hostel doesn't provide towels)
4. missed train to paris. totally uncalled for. instinct to reach early was right and SO LOGICAL. what was i thinking.
(but got put on next train, thank god. if not the tickets for tmr wldve been 269pounds. can. you. imagine.)
5. have 4 hours of nth to do
(but got free, albeit slow internet, and people online)
6. just wanna fall asleep right now in this cafe.
(...but yea had free internet)
7. had 1.5 poudns tea. thats like $4 for hotwater and a teabag.
(...but yes free internet, i say again)
8. I AM GOING TO BE IN PARIS.
paris.
hai i'm just tired. a series of bad decisions today
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| reflections? |
[17th May, 2009
Sunday, 4:11am] |
kk so i'm too lazy to type a post, but i'm just gonna copy and paste bits of my chat with liewqi:
me: HAHAHA i jiust opened livejournal wanting to blog stuff  = us cultureabt how in sm ways i do like us culture parts of it i feel like in the past i wld be like me: "I prefer british culture" "i like europe" cuz they are more like Liew: using excessive likes is very american me: closed, more artsy, more refined, more selective of what they want in life you know but then u come here ppla re just OPEN ive begun to appreciate more of that ...."just let it out" why try so hard to outlive yourself just be like that me: ya so i feel like ive come here n learnt to let go, have fun with life what it hought was superificial and dumb can be.. just letting go lah fuck it Liew: you know ironically Liew: i've never gotten an hangover yet me: i learnt otbe more childish Liew: but i dont plan to haha me: pls i wanna have fun i dun wanna have pain =.= Liew: WHERE GOT you texted me once and whined abotu hangover unless you dont remmeber that
<<umm mini discussion abt whether i actualyl had a hangover.>>
<... and here's my moment of honesty. nv really wnated to post before cuz ppl at home wld see this and be like.. "oh". but you know what, nvm. here it is>>
me: i feel like when i go back to sg btw, a lot of ppl wont udnst things anymore thats why suddenly the idea of going back not so exciting anymore not like last winter me: CUZ U WENT BACK BEFOREEE but i know how silly it is like now i pine so much for home for ppl athome like ppl at home >> ppl at penn now. "im close to THEM not to YOU" kinda mentality but i know it'll cthange in 4 yrs ppl at penn will be my lao peng yous , the ones who undst me best more than other ppl cuz ive changed <<random divergence>> andd also i thinkk i can consider myself a party animal now =.= if i dont party as much its only cuz i have no chance not cuz i dont wan tto FUCKKK whats happening to me i dun udnst. i feel like im going through metamorphosis n i dun udnst my own form. and at the end of 4 yrs i wont morph fully, but end up this weird semi mutated creature with only other similar creatures as friends who undst all aspects of you =.= Liew: i'm not gonig to try to understand myself at the mo just.. whinging it me: heh tts true la its only when i can STOP like now or when things happen n i go OH but in the end ure like err im just living moment by m oment im so glad im no longer as anal / "imustthinkalot!" as last time haha tried so hard to be "DEEP" just let go. Liew: oh no i have deep thought ssometimes but most of it is like heck me: yea as in you let it go you think, then you let it go last time i was so holdontoit itsgoodtobedeepallthetime itsimpttobemature now its like fuck.. smtimes im juts YOUNG. im just young, young, young, im gonna b young. Liew: heck i even look too young --" haha Sent at 4:27 AM on Sunday me: hheh part of this chat is gg onto my blog with minimal speech frm u but im juts lazy ahhaa
there we go. liewqi sounds like a silent woman listening to me ramble but i just took away most of the things she said hahah. CENSOR RIGHT CENSOR
anw. just recent.. issues.
diaspura indeed. or metamorphosis. or.. change. or.. i dunno. =\
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| so.. |
[10th May, 2009
Sunday, 12:43pm] |
this like really reminds me of a strange encounter i had once with an african man -- http://esh-ana.livejournal.com/72445.html#cutid1
the strange man syndrome.
SO. last time it was when i was sitting in tpy stadium, sitting down, studying for blocks or prelims or a levels or something. and this middle-aged african man strikes up a conversation wih me and i, naively thinking ohcoolforeignerbringingabunchofsoccerkidstosingapore+curiousaboutsingapore suree ok i'll talk to you, talked to him. and it turned out to be a freaky omgweshouldtotallymeetinsingaporewheni'mhere and icancallyouandsayi'matstarbucksandwecanmeet and letsexchangenumbers and there'snothingwrongwithlikingsomeonebunoi'snotlove OOOOOOOOOMGGGGG.
this time, not so dramatic so this is not gonna be omglooooool or anything but, it's just weird, and i'm noting it down in my little collection of interesting life experiences lol.
so i was once again studyingtoday, in one of our halls in school. i was like sitting by myself in a corner of the hall, indulging in this crepe and staring at my laptop and putting my feet on some other chair and just studying. lalala study.
glance up, think, look back down study, get a bit distracted by facebook, facebook, glance up, look down, study.. glancee up ehhhhhh who's that walking sheepishly towards me. he shall be known as SG. strange guy. kinda skinny, slightly unkempt, a bit strange looking, holding his used paper bag, inan old shirt.
SG - sheepishly. "..are you a student?" somewhat awkward smile.
.. stands at the table next to me and chooses not to sit at all.
....
ML- "uh yeppp" thinking.. eh no do not ask me to do surveys. but i can tell you where things are..?
pause.
SG - slowly. "ohh.. ok. ...are your finals over??"
.....
ML - "ummm no i'm studying now i have two left." "..............=)." pause
"ohh.. yeah."
pause.
Me - thoughts: O.o .........?!?! O.O WHY ARE YOU NOT SAYING ANYTHING AND STANDING THERE AWKWARD OMG.
..looks around hall and sees guy sitting next to me trying to pretend this is not happening. oh m y god.
...pause.
SG - where are you from?
ML - this, is, sooooooooooooo not a survey. Umm. SIngapore
..decide that one-sentence answers would be better. (i.e. shooo i need to study)
SG - Oh!
....
pause.
...
more pauses. HELP.
ML - desperately starts g-chatting people and studies while he stands there saying nothing.
...
SG - asks me the next question.
ML - replies.
SG - ohh yeah.
pause.
...ML does work.
repeat.
...
"oh where are you going for summer" "blablablabla france" "oh so do you speak french??" ++ many more questions about france/french
"so are you in any.. groups on campus?" "oh yeah two dance groups." he asks me to name them. ohho k. pause. "maybe i should catch a show next time." "............yeah you should they're really good"
"so do you watch any movies at all" YA OF COURSE I DO!? "umm yeahh *tries to be nice* my friends were gonna go yesterday and i wanted to but you know *HINT* i still have two finals." pause. i do work. "ohh.. so you probably will be busy the whole weekend." "Yes."
and it went on. he asks a question, i give a one-sentence reply, he goes "ohh". and there's a long awkward pause where he stands there awkwardly till he thinks of the next. ommmgg. and the awkward bit was that HE was not even SITTING DOWN. he's STANDING at teh table NEXT to me. (!!!) and talking loud enough so i can hear and the WHOLE HALL CAN.
and he kept PAUSING. and i do WORK in between. and he just stands there. DUDE cue for "omg awkward moment i better run"!! and he doesn't!!
..
he stood there for 35 MIN. and i managed to study. cuz there were enough long awkward pauses =.=
he didn't even leave. i gave up and ran away.
"oh ok i'm going ot huntsman now :) " OH FUCKWHYDIDISAYWHEREIWASGOINGI
NVM.
'"oh okay. " continues standing there
...
"cya =)" runs off
and he continued to stand there.
............
i'm gonna go study now
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| haiyo |
[9th May, 2009
Saturday, 11:10pm] |
so i had a dream yesterday that i went to a show, and zbroommmm the curtains went down like they would in a movie/cartoon/in moulin rouge, and i saw people starting to dance journey.
and i got so friggin frustrated and angry and upset and happy and proud and WANTING to revive it relive it and.. and just. UGHED. and wanting also to at least scream at tht eworld I HAVE BEEN THAT BEFORE. I HAVE DONE THAT BEFORE.
AND.. ya.
i think to date it remains one of the things that i'm the proudest to be in. and you really don't see the contrast till now like in college, when you start doing smaller things. well not nec smaller, but more individualistic. more -- "i", a person in the company wants to choreograph this, and based on distribution say, 8 ppl will be in it. ok. i mean it's good and i'm not complaining about it - we get a show eveyr semester now! but it's just.. different. and i'm glad that i got to be a part of anoterh more collective, intense, omfgwespent7monthsonthis experience.
but like ya you don't realize the signifiance of that. the whole cultural difference. the reason why peopel say only china could do smth like the olympics openign ceremony last yr, and other westerners cldnt have. they have in mind the.. communist follow-my-orders view, they have in mind the more subservient attitudes of the chinese (i appeal here to asians in general), but i have in mind the ability to give up. to give yourself up to something Great. something bigger than yourself. something i devoted myself to
i wrote my college essay on Journey, and it's just.. well. i show people videos nowaday that i am just simply proud of. that i think are zai. are damn good. are impressive. and i say it with a partial "hahah yep we're good :)" attitude. but this, this. this was the one moment on stage that felt like dance nirvana, perhaps the first ime in my life where i felt totally unselfish on stage. i totally remember it. that feeling on stage, at syf. totally unselfish, totally open, totally giving, totally wanting, totaly desperate, totallyneeding, totally in need, totally not me. totally jut a part of a piece of artwork, just a ltitle something in this fabric of lifebeautyart.
hai. ok. just needed to get that out. prob saying it cuz i know i might never feel it again. (1) no opportunity, (2) i think my tehcniques and skills are only rolling downhill. even if i go back to sg and omg mr dan has some awesome item and by some miracl ei can participate, haha. i've seen so many gd ppl now and i'm just like... damn it.. i'm not even as good as i was, ihow to even think of imprvoing to their level.
it makes me sad. and sader cuz i it here feeling hte push again to do somethign abotu it. tos tretch right now. to go crazy rpractising sth right now and obsessing abt it as i wuld in teh past. but i sithere also constrained by space, by circumstance, by a greater responsibilty towards work, towards oher things tt i know i technically shld work on first. but also by a personal DESIRE to also cultivate other things --hiphop. my intellectual explorations. studying philosophy or history IS allowing me to grow in ways i've always wanted. in ways that just satisfiesm e he way .. um. the way walking into an awesome aircon-ed place suddenly feels whne u've been sweating and perpiring and hatinmg it all day under the hot sun. that gratification. and i am, i a, i AM growing in other ways I AM! -- hiphop, wow, i've never learnt so much so fast before. and i love it. i know if i lost it i'd be expressing the same laments about it. butbutbutbutbtu. but, but. butit's juts... this is just emotional. it's not rational.it's just emotional, an di'm reacting to it. i need to react to it. i need to get this of fmy chest.
..bcuz it hink only my blog has the capacity to hear me talking like this and not think i'm crazy or too much or too intense or.
..anyway.
i wish i could just post this and repost this on fb so people could juts see that depth that extent of one thing that covers so little breadth in life. like it deserves to be awakened and relooked at but but. i'm being irraitonal, cuz choreographers choregraph many pieces, cuz many ppl take part in syfs like this.. cuz there are many things in life with little breadth but so much great depth behind them tt dserves ot be looked at.
but if you're interested and would like to appreciate this little diamond, here goes.
(and yep, most ppl here prob have seen it before. ugh, ugh, ugh. so much UGHness in me right onw. expression.
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| halfway through finals, something to remember |
[4th May, 2009
Monday, 1:51am] |
"Perhaps it is only natural that scientists tend to stress what we do know; but in the social field, where what we do not know is often so much more important.... if we are to understand how society works, we must attempt to define the general nature and range of our ignorance concenring it... The misleading effect of the usual approach stands out clearly if we examine the significance of the assertion that man has created his civilization and that he therefore can also change its institutions as he please. This assertion would be justified only if man had deliberately created civilization in full understanding of what he was doing or if he at least knew how it was being maintained. In a sense it is true... It is the product of his actions.... This does not mean, however, that civilization is the product of human design. The whole conception of man already endowed with a mind capable of conceiving civilizaiton setting out to create it is fundamentally false. Man did not simply impose upon the world a pattern created by his mind. His mind is itself a system that constantly changes as a result of his endeavor to adapt himself to his surroundings. It would be an error to believe that, to achieve a higher civilization, we have merely to put into effect the ideas now guiding us. If we are to advance, we must leave room for a continuous revision of our present conceptions and ideals which will be necessitated by further experience."
(Instead of moving towards a known goal), "it would be more correct to think of progress as a process of formation and modification of the human intellect... As progress consists in the discovery of the not yet known, its consequences must be unpredictable. It always leads into the unknown... It is knowing what we have not known before that makes us wiser men. ...But often it also makes us sadder men. Progress in the sense of the cumulative growth of knowledge and power over nature is a term that says little about whether the new state will give us more satisfaction than the old. The question whether, if we had to stop at our present tage of development, we would in any significant sense be better off or happier than if we had stopped a hundred or a thousand years ago is probably unanswerable. ...The answer, however, does not matter. What matters is the successful striving for what at each moment seems attainable. It is not the fruits of past success but hte living in and for the future in which human intelligence proves itself. Progress is movement for movement's sake...."
- Hayek
not necessarily full agreement, but great, great food for thought.
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| i |
[22nd April, 2009
Wednesday, 5:51pm] |
...i'm really enjoying the childishness.
i feel like ever since i've gotten here i've only become more childish.
but i also suspect that maybe the childishness isn't really childishness. maybe it's just freedom. maybe i'm just letting the childishness that's always been there just come out, instead of worrying about about doing the right thing, that what i do will be right, that i'm being mature and respectable.
or maybe it's cuz the americans here are like.. a lot childish-er. haha. like se-ri-ous-ly they are. shudder. so you bring yourself to their level and slowly.. hm. nah.
maybe i'm just learning to have funnn. and i'm having fun, and i'm having fun having fun.
"a? b? c? NO LAH I JUST WANT SOMETHING FUN AND CUTE."
okay.
i'm friggin sleepy right now pardon the incoherence.
i just.. don't care so much about trying to do certain things now. LIKE THAT LAH.
i'd like to party again this weekend.
..
aiyoooooo i wanna sleep now!
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| mm |
[15th April, 2009
Wednesday, 1:21pm] |
i don't meditate, but this just made me go, "Hmmm." for a sec
"We could say that meditation doesn't have a reason or doesn't have a purpose. In this respect it's unlike almost all other things we do except perhaps making music and dancing. When we make music we don't do it in order to reach a certain point, such as the end of the composition. If that were the purpose of music then obviously the fastest players would be the best. Also, when we are dancing we are not aiming to arrive at a particular place on the floor as in a journey. When we dance, the journey itself is the point, as when we play music the playing itself is the point. And exactly the same thing is true in meditation. Meditation is the discovery that the point of life is always arrived at in the immediate moment."
- Alan Watts
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| things to unload |
[13th April, 2009
Monday, 9:48pm] |
a lot of things i need to put out somewhere before i can let my mind move onto other things.
warning - long entry, lots of typos, lot of grammar errors (hopefully/probably cuz of typos), but i'm doing the spilling thing again.
can't be stifled. :
firstly i had a crazy, crazy dunham (african/modern) class today. first formal class in 3 friggin weeks IT EFFING HURT but it was pretty darn amazing for your legs. and yes that's big enough. IT REALLY HURTS. such a foreign/good/bad feeling. such a dancey feeling. such a .. substantial feeling. It says with conviction, "I Did Something Today."
ok. sorry. but yeah the teacher was apparently REALLY pro and famous but i don't know her =x but yeah she's obviously been there done that, int he scene, one of those american dancers who really train hard, go to broadway to auditions and take all sorts of crap. no elbows on the bar. stand straight. do 17 instead of 16 thank you you're out. put your hands on your hips and you get cussed and shooed out of the audition. i was like. whoa. ok. i get it. but at the same time i was like.. i'm not dnacing for that, it's not my profession, so i was a bit like "this is REALLY interesting. but it's not me, and i guess i'm kinda glad. i...do not know.". but anyway it really opened my eyes up to that world. and the other dancers, my friends, around me, were giving that nod. the "ah. those days. i remember that. igot it. my teacher used to say that" face and i was like.. just generally wowed. it's moments like that when i also realize how far behind i am in that dance road. you think you're an okay/decent dancer, then you realize compared to so many others who've dreamed more crazily than that, you're only at step 1. reactions -- "ah." "wow." "okay." "ah." "I'm just taking a different path." "i can't compare." "i'm taking a different path." "ah."
confusion. anyway i also did not nail that class as much as i wanted to. after all she went in going like when you're in new york auditioning, they want EVERYTHING. so you can do the fouette and the blah and the blah (and i can't I WISH I WERE MORE TECHNICAL heartbreak.) but can you do this (does african pumpey thing). and she was like (in her african amer accent) you gotta be able to do that, and that, and take a hiphop class! do something!
and so okay in my head i'm like. right. i'm the one in penndance who's also in strictlyfunk. i'm supposed to be able to do this, to loosen up. of all ppl. so i'm like okayy. try. but no MY BRAIN WORKS WEIRDLY.
I CANNOT DANCE WHEN I'M STRESSED.
i have learnt that about myself over these years.
like seriously, i pick things up FAST when i'm not thinking, when i'm confident. when i see it and go "oh ok." and i juts instinctively pick up the move+vibe TOGETHER. i cannot learn the move AND the vibe separately. no. THEY ARE ONE. which is a good thing for me cuz it means i do things with the right feel. BUT. when ppl break it down for me too much, or when i get into my panicky "fffff i need to rmb this" mode i DON'T get that. and instead of taking my usual leap from pt#1 to pt#10 - usually a really, really easy just "huh like that lor ok" little floaty leap -- i start CRAWLING and struggling.
but anw i know i wor klike that now so by the end of hte class i was like. FUCK IT. i cannot learn this kinda thing like that. so instead of htinking of the "ok she wants the elbow to the knee and the body to the side and then turn and" i was like NO. ok. she wants that. see that bouncy groovy thing? ok do it!
and voila i kidna got it at the end of class =.=
anyway i'm juts griping cuz of my dance inferiorities.
but like its IMPORTANT to me. i.e. i also have my own dance ego. that's why i need to talk about it. but it's good. i mean.. yeah. ok stop it meiling stop it. (i've been saying t tot myself so much)
I HAVE NOT POSTED THIS KINDA LONG ENTRY FOR SUCH A LONG TIME. i got lazy typing.
anyway. also. at the end of class, this girl in penndance who is really SUPERFRIGGINWTFICNTEVENBELIEVEITamazing reveals to me that she's having health problems. seriously my heart BROKE for her. 2 thoughts here:
1. when i say superfrggin amazing, i mean it. like.. i've seen good dancer, i've seen wow dancers. but here and there you see those that are HEAVENLY. they are out of this world. they are "PERFECT technique". they are "they have EVERYTHING." like. i can't even say it. i need to post pictures here but i'll look like this freak. but it's one of those.. i dunno. maybe cuz ive watched so many PRO videos online, like oh look professional ballerinas, crazy leg up there 180* and on releve doesn't even look like it hurts, arabesque about oh... 160* you're like. ok that's anothe rowlrd man. thoe ppl have freakish bodies and i'm jut not like that. i'm fine.
BUT THEN SUDDENLY. around you. you see ppl reaching that. and attaining that. i dunno what i am man, envious? happy for them? in awe? just.. wow. like seriously. like shen xian xia fan. like,... fuck man. i've seen it when like.. like YIYI. (yea woot ny chinese dancer). goes CRAZY with her tehcnique sutff. i'm like. holy. shit. we've had "look i can do this", and okay, you can do it. but "i can do this" is different and this was "i hit perfection".
bam handstand with your legs up above you 180* kong4 yao1 blah crap. "I hit perfection".
and with this girl, this ballerina it's the same. "I hit perfection."
omg it's so surreal.
and 1b. i really wish i could do that. like sometimes hwen i think about it, i think if i trained hard enough, if i put in that time, if i had someone pushing me like laoshi did (Yes laoshi i think really pushed ms/us to one of my peaks technique wise. everyth i have now is stil lfrom there i think. minus the spins =.= that she never really trained us and is till don't have.) ANW. i was like.. i think i've come neear enough to that sometimes for me to think -- Hey, I have a body that actually works with me. If i put something into it, i think i can make it like that.
..and i HAVE. i AHVE hit perfection before. i HAVE had that feeling when i could lift my leg up right in front of me 180* degrees and feel no pain, and stand perfectly still, and make it look effing easy and perfect. i HAVE had that ONE, juts ONE ONEONE thing that at least every dancer need that can WOW. cmon everyone needs atleast ONE. and i was like. i can't do all that shit.. but i can do this. i can pull my leg up. front. side. 270*. there we go. kick. catch. straighten. I BANKED on it .that was what i had.
and i think cuz i haven't been training hard enough i've lost it. AND WHAT AM I DOING stupid girl train back lah right. no. no. i need to sit down and do my work. i can't spend like 1 hr there trying to strecth! my sense of guilt pulls me back in to work! . yay!
but okay. nvm. let' sjust take that away, cuz frankly, it's not that big a thing too. i mean. other ppl can do it. btu at least it's something. reight?
BUT STILL. in other things, no, ugh sigh hai. no. i can't flip or do a handstand (and tha tmakes a big diff). and like sigh. yay. sigh. hai. and i don't have gym I NEED GYM and so i can't do those crazy ass shit. BUT. BUT. BUT. osmetimes, sometimse thie PART of me this HUEG part of me feels liek KILLING myself. because a part of me knows HEY. hey. HEY. MEILING. YOU COULD BE THAT.
you. friggin. COULD.
it pains me. it pained me. it sitll pains me. i t will pain me. am i wasting it should i be doing something about it. but i have no time and i'm too old and omg flip? and where do i go, and.. aiya. doorsdoorsdoors.
ok stop it. stop bein jealous. you have other things. so it el lmyself. kookokoa )@JA)*D STOPTOPSTOPSTOP
2.
I
JUST
FEEL
SO
SAD
FOR
MY
FREIND.
yes that shen xian xia fan extremely gd ballerina has a heart prob i think. and you know how you have (A) the sort the started dancing when they were like 3. (B) the sort that did the whole american tap balletjazz hiphop i do evrything shit thing since htey were 3. (C) the sort that did all the above and went for US national competitions like Hall of Fame. and (D) the sort that were alread on a PROFESSIONAL track since young.
she's D. like she's been DREAMING about it. she's actually working to grow up to BE. a DANCER. as a CAREER. and sh eCAN. that's how seriousl yshe takes it. and like i said i think, i think i can say thi s-- she's probably THE best ballet dancer i know. THE. best. like. omg. and when she like let it burst out and started crying today i wa slike OH GOD i feel like crying too i feel so bad.
and so.. (i know i said 2 points but..)
3. i'd really, really, really, die, if i cannot. dance.
and i have no reason for feeling like this (--> ) now but even as i type it i feel like crying. like out of.. overwhelmed-ness. out of.. extremity. out of you-have-no-idea-ness. l
like. For real. It's all I really, really Have now. Of all my dreams, my ideals that i have safely packed away to live in this world, Dance is the only thing that has not been packed away. And as I study and I put myself throug hsuch normal crap like everyone else, studying, going to school, Dance, is really -- really -- maybe my only Release.
Like.. I mentioned to someone before that I"m not the kinda person to always let loose and go crazy and have fun. But the only times I feel 100% freedom, 100% i'm not in control of myself, 100% like THAT. 100% happy. 100% i don't have to force myself to do something. 100% living. is during Dance.
How can I do without it I can't LIVE without it. It's like the only way to breathe. And when I think about it it's sad because I really do think that my life, or I, and therefore my life, would be so, so, so, weak. and so Sad. if I couldn't dance.
Please god/nature/whoever above let me continue doing it. I have to continue breathin else Life can feel like being in Prison.
..ok stop it.
i also though i'd be able to nail the class, with all that talk about how
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